Christianity and same sex desire

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to experience homosexual love, as opposed to just the desire. I don’t tend to write about that side of my sexuality because I just don’t have affinity with bisexual or lesbian women who love other women. It is a circumstance where I sympathise and wish I could empathise.

I have never been able to love women romantically. It is easy for me as a Christian woman to say ‘Well, certainly I have desire for women, but God has quelled much of it in me, and it’s really no big deal to not have that desire as a large part of my life anymore’. It is easy because my desire for women is sexual, and when you have never loved someone of the same sex and hoped to spend your life with someone of the same sex, all that stuff in the Bible about how it’s not allowed is not really a problem for you. It’s just lust, and lust is sinful, whether it’s heterosexual or homosexual. In other words, because I’m only tempted sexually, I can throw my desire for women into the ‘lust’ pot along with my desire for men and resist the whole, uh, stew of sexual temptation. And honestly, in my life, God has taken much of my sexual desire away, save the chaste desire I have for my spouse.

So I struggle with my inability to truly understand what it would mean to be Christian and desire to marry someone of the same sex, to be Christian and love others of the same sex romantically. In a way, my bisexuality creates an entirely different kind of temptation, as I have to resist the belief that everyone *could* be happy with a partner of the opposite sex simply because I still like boobs, but I get along without them just fine. That kind of privilege-laden belief can close one’s heart to another’s sufferings. Being Christian and desiring what the Word says is not allowed is a complicated enough struggle without someone smugly trying to tell you that since their desire is easily quelled, yours could be too.

Granted, I haven’t been that person. But feeling that ‘everyone’s a little bit heterosexual’ is bad enough. And I’m writing even this because I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t presume that my experience of same-sex desire should or could apply to all Christians who love or lust for same-sex partners. But I have, and did, and that was also sin.

Well, there you are. I’m a Christian who experiences same sex desire from time to time, but in general is not tempted by it, and though I can’t understand same sex loving (rather than desiring), I at least have come to accept that my experience cannot be extrapolated to all Christians with similar desires.

This post was inspired by a blogger who was wrong about something, but got belligerent instead of admitting to it. I just decided to admit to my wrong thing, so here we are.

Movie Review– X-Files: I want to believe

I have been away from blogland for long enough. Here’s a spoiler-free movie review of sorts. But first some background:

Being an X-files fan from back in the day, I was obliged to see the new movie that was randomly sprung on summer crowds. It was quite the stealth attack advertising campaign. Just mixed in amongst the usual smash-bang-boom stuff is a rather promising trailer…for a show that ended nearly a decade ago. But the trailer was spooky and just evocative enough of the things one likes about X-files– paranormal weirdness, shadowed conspiracy and The ‘Ship between Mulder and Scully.

The movie itself was a curious object, different from its trailer in ways I did not expect. It was like a two parter from season 4, when it was still fun, but there was now non-awkward character development mixed in with monster-of-the-week.

Now, normally ‘It was like an episode of the show’ is a criticism, but in this instance, it was a strength for the film. There was evocation without excessive explanation, and that’s just what X-files did best. And in this film, the actors did all their work very well. The loathing between David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson that generated so much wonderful tension is mellowed and weary here, creating a different kind of tension for the viewer (who is probably an X-files fan and thus expecting something very specific). They are done hating each other off-set, and so you have an interplay of curious rapport that was just not possible back in the day. Mulder and Scully transcend The ‘Ship in this film, and totally not in a way you’re expecting.

As well, the plot is a side-swiper. It presents a morally complex set of situations and then leaves the viewer turning them over as the film progresses. You keep checking and checking to see if they’re going to do anything with that moral complexity, and then the movie ends and you realise they just don’t know how. The reason is that it’s a movie about faith, and Catholic Christian faith very specifically– but the writers don’t actually know what they’ve written. And that’s because they aren’t Catholics, or even versed in the extensive range of Catholic responses to doubt and uncertainity in God.

But if you have even a passing acquaintance with those responses (any of them), then the movie is quite interesting to watch, even if they get it (Christianity) wrong. The dilemmas are that rich in possibility.

I liked it. As a fan, there were disappointments that were pretty much expected, but I wasn’t expecting a film full of completely unwitting theology. It was amazing to see it play out in all its flawed strangeness.

Apparently some people feel it’s anti-Catholic. I’d have to say it’s more uninformed about the complexity of Catholic Christian faith (and Christian faith in general). I can’t recommend anyone other than die-hard fans see it, or perhaps someone interested in watching the movie for theological analysis purposes. It lingers, yet not unpleasantly.

Like the show, it had some purely charming and/or intense moments. Also like the show, there were some clunky moments. It kinda summed up all I’ve liked and disliked about the X-files when I was watching it regular.

Lastly, since I am going on because the memory lingers so, the spooky bits are just the right kind of weird-spooky. Greatness eluded it, but it did not fail to fascinate. If I were rating, I’d say a solid seven of ten, or three of five.